Monday, June 25, 2007

Deny Me and Be Doomed

First things first – I acknowledge and thank John Cameron, brilliant creator of Hedwig & The Angry Inch for the line "Deny me and be doomed", which appears in the film as a piece of graffiti on the Berlin wall and is open to about a million interpretations. I choose to see it as being about the need to follow one's own path to wholeness.

And now, with absolutely no transitional device between paragraphs, here we go:

My younger brother, a Buddhist with a hearty appetite (both literal and metaphoric) was diagnosed 2 years ago with a chronic form of leukemia. In cancer-speak, acute is bad, chronic is good – it means that he’s not gonna die, except eventually like we all will. Thank God (Goddess, Buddha, Universe – whatever that entity greater than me prefers to call itself) that we live in a country with socialized medicine, as it enables my brother (and thousands like him) to access the treatment he needs to stay alive and well.

My mother recently had what’s known as a Mini Stroke (gosh, isn’t that just so cute), which scared the shit out of all of us, but turned out to be nothing more than a warning. She now takes much better care of herself and won’t hesitate, for instance, to tell her hiking buddies to “Slow the fuck down, please.” Okay, my mom would never use the F word, but you know what I’m saying.

Me, I’ve dealt with depression issues all my life. The important point here (you knew there’d be one, didn’t you?) is that all three of us have learned how essential it is to meet one’s own needs. We’ve all been taught to be compassionate and nurturing, which I think is great, but I’ve also come to believe that one can’t do much good for others if one’s self is fucked. These days, top at the list of my own needs is the need to do this – to journal and get myself out there. I don’t give a flying fuck about money or fame. Wait. I’m lying about the money part. G-man (husband) and I don’t aspire to be fabulously wealthy, but we are travel junkies, so gotta make a few bucks beyond what it takes to pay our mortgage and, you know, eat.

BTW, yes, I have a father too. He is without a doubt the most passionate, joyous and optimistic person I know. He has a beautiful singing voice and absolutely loves to talk. Sometimes he just won't STFU, but I love him anyway. ;-)


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